words inspired...

A co-worker has experienced a loss in her family which has brought up my own grief again.
I also had a dream the other day in which my aunt Kathleen showed up in it; acting exactly how she would have acted in that situation. It was a weird dream any way, but then she walked through this room I was in, and made her comments she would have in real life.
So I'm feeling a wave of grief again.
What I want to record here is the words I feel God gave me today to share with my co-worker and her family. She is a sweet lady, and I wanted to offer words of comfort. Only God could have written what I was able to write in a card to her. 
The basic gist - God is carrying you through like the poem Footprints in the Sand. He carries us through these troubled times. He is our comfort, our help, our strength, our healer.  His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.  Whom shall I fear? God is our comfort. He's got our back. He will not forsake you.  Wait on the Lord, He cares for you.  Told her I am praying for the family. It's tough situation in the family. Some are believers, some are not. Some seem shocked and devastated; some seem uncaring and cold. 

Psalm 27: ¹ The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

² When the wicked advance against me
    to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

⁴ One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
¹¹ Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

¹³ I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

God also gave me this chapter of the Bible to reflect on and share with others. 

Thought overload

Sometimes when I have an overload of thoughts on my mind, I call it Resa's random thoughts. Lately, they are not really random, but thoughts on several different subjects.
One thought is I really miss my aunt and grandma. I had to take care of something this week that pertained to my aunt's death, and memories of that last week before her death are flooding my mind. After grandma passed, my aunt would call every day, sobbing uncontrollably, her grief was a heavy burden for her and she needed someone to help her through it; however I was also dealing with my own grief for grandma and feel that I somehow failed my aunt. She was 51 years old. She died less than 3 weeks after grandma. It was quite a shock! I have felt slightly guilty for not being there for her, like I would have been if the grief was not also affecting me in a heavy way.  I needed to sort out my own thoughts and emotions, my own feelings of loss, my own depression that came suddenly.
The last couple of days, I've been feeling all of that all over again, to a lesser degree than in May; however I've still been feeling it.
Another thought is my job. I'm a good worker, but am working in a terrible work environment - full of male shovenism, racism, stupidity, and ridiculousness. While I am working on finding something else, it only reminds me that I have no idea what job I am actually suited for, no idea what the job "title" would be called for the skills and abilities I possess after many years in the office business world. The job search is also complicated by the massive amount of job search engines that sometimes lead you in the perpetual circle of showing a job opportunity, clicking on the link, filling out that website's form, then being sent back to the original page, and through that whole process again and again. There are also corporate websites where typical job titles do NOT exist. An accounting clerk is somehow construed into a production operations supervisor of sales. ? whatever that is?
These corporate websites also make the navigation of their website so difficult, I'm surprised any one works there. Maybe the workers were hired before this website confusion was created.  I also like when the corporate website list job opportunities then at the bottom of the detail section for that job it states they are not hiring at this time for this position. (sarcasm on "like"). Then why list the job opening??!! It's been mind boggling.  I've applied for the jobs that are clearly a position I can handle. I don't want to "move up", I'm not looking for glory, or unrealistic environments, or events; I just want a place I can work and do a good job, and if they notice every now and then, that's good too. As little drama as possible, because some drama is to be expected.
Another thought is the current events happening in the news. I stopped watching the news several months ago because it was upsetting me and causing me anxiety. People randomly decided to go on shooting sprees every week or 2. People fighting wars. Unrest in almost every country across the ocean from us - Middle East, Africa, Korea, etc.  I keep thinking surely Jesus will return soon. It sure sounds like Revelations to me!  Our government claims it's running out of money but wants to fund more welfare. The government is shutting down after every few months. So what is going on?  Am I the only one who sees and hears all this? Noone else seems concerned about our world and where we are headed.  Maybe I'm just crazy and obsessive. 
Another thought is family. Why does family seem difficult? A simple attempt to bring the family together for some family reunion time came these unexpected reactions. Some people didn't respond at all so I'm not sure how many people will be there and whether we have enough food. Some people immediately responded that they couldn't be there. My parents are responding that I shouldn't have done it if it's stressing me out. Don't worry - it won't happen again!  I just feel like life is short - I wanted to see my family that is still alive.
I guess that last part is where I am; where my mind is.  I want to see and hug and laugh with my family that is left, after the deaths of 2 family members, from both sides.  I feel like I'm the only one who feels that way.  Maybe the others don't miss the rest of the family. They've moved onto their own family group, now that most have grandkids. 

Decluttering

With a few days off from work, we decided to organize and de-clutter 2 rooms in the house. First was organizing the boys room - mostly my son's toy bins (yes that's plural) which have gotten out of hand and he just has too many toys...  My husband likes organization and he couldn't stand the toy bins anymore. I'm talking about those big plastic tote bins 30 to 50 gal, large size. He has 2 of them in the closet. Well, he HAD 2 bins.  We bought a big 3 drawer organizer and a smaller one with 4 drawers. I'm proud of my son for actually throwing away things while organizing his toys. It's very hard for me because I associate memories with each thing. I remember when he was 5 and who gave it to him. I remember that my aunt or grandma who passed away, gave him that "thing" and we should keep it, just for that reason.
Once that task was completed, we all felt better, accomplished is the word.
So with organization running through my mind, I began the more difficult task of straightening our "extra" room. We use it for an extra dresser, a game system and my desk with a desktop computer on it. We also have an extra small dinner table and 4 chairs in there with small table top games on it, and a small keyboard.  anyhoo....  I finally figured out what we can really do with the items in there and started shifting things around. Moved a dresser in our bedroom and shifted the small table top game table over to the wall. (It was in the middle of the room).  Then we shifted another dresser to a wall in there. Now you can actually walk into the room and see the floor. Amazing.  My husband had the idea that it could be a study area for the boys, so we will get rid of the computer, and clear the desk and make a study area with a calendar to help them organize their month. We got another 4 drawer organizer and I will have to sift through ALOT of papers and piles and pictures so determine what to keep. Well.....
As I began this sorting and sifting through papers, I was slammed with memories of my grandma and aunt. There were cards to my son from Grandma. She liked sending him cards with a coin or a dollar in it. She knew he would enjoy it, and it brought her pleasure to see him happy. I suddenly realized it was really hard to get rid of things for me. I'm attached to them. Even a little slip of paper she may have written a note to me on, I couldn't bear to throw it out. Not yet....
Today I'm left with these waves of grief again...

2 Chronicles 7:14 verse and explanation

I have always been interested in this verse. It just intrigues me as to the meaning. It says so much within this one verse. I've found a person who shared a breakdown of this verse that her pastor gave his parishioners.  The breakdown is from a Pastor Kerry, of whom I do not know, nor do I know where he is located, or what church.  I do appreciate the breakdown, in depth explanation of this verse and wanted to share it. 

The verse reads: ".. if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

The expanded version: " If my flock, who are known by my character, will humiliate themselves and voice their requests for my will in their lives and beg my favor and presence and weep and slide back from their miserable attitudes, then will I carefully listen and certainly consider from my lofty position and will pardon, release, and spare their habitual sinning and will revive, renew, and make everything new again in their earth, nation and community, homes and hearts.

I really appreciate this expanded version. I think it explains what is meant here.
May God Bless America. ~

my precious baby boy

My son turned 11 years old yesterday. While he's frustrating at times, cute as all get out at other times, and funny as can be the others; he's also sweet, and thoughtful, and I'm so proud of how he's growing into a nice respectable young man.

I usually take off from work the day before he leaves for his dad's for the summer (around6 -7 weeks). So we spent 2 days together running errands and preparing for his departure. I had these nail gift certificates I needed to use and decided he would sit there with me and read or play a game or something while I got a pedicure.  I like to go only about every 4 - 6 months, so I enjoy picking a "fun" crazy color, even funky colors. Last visit I chose Blaze Orange, in honor of VDOT or so I could go hunting bare footed! This time I chose Yellow for the sunshine, for summer. 

My son had never been with me before, I usually try to find a lady to go with me, like my mom or a friend. No one was available, so I took my son.  After he saw that I was soaking my feet, he asked if he could soak his. I asked the lady how much would they charge to let him soak his feet and trim his nails.  I had enough for mine and his, so he got a pedicure.

 

 

The funny thing was the lady asked if we wanted color on his toes! I said absolutely not! She explained that some little boy had gotten pink on one foot and black on the other. I simply said No color!  My son was a little upset when she put a clear coat on them, but I explained that no one would be able to tell and it helps protect the nails.

He told the lady that it felt so good, one day when he is an adult, 10 years from now, he would come back and get another one!  Well that was hilarious!

 

I guess you have to be familiar with my son to understand that he just says the funniest things. I know all kids do... whatever... my son really says some interesting, funny, crazy things to people.

 

A different time he was with my mom at McDonalds in Richmond (a city about an hour from where we live in the country) and stood in line behind this man that had piercings all over his face. My son was especially intrigued, and asked the man if that hurt. The man got in his face and glared and said, yeah, it hurt.  My son looked him back in the face and said, well what did you do that for? or Then don't do it!    My mom was pretty amused by this story.

 

 We won't even go through the stories he has told my parents, my grandma, the school!  Things are never boring with my son around.  Only alittle bit when he's gone to his dad's.  I guess I miss him and wanted to share my thoughts. 

 

I hope he will grow up to be a respectable adult, that works hard, dreams big, and makes it happen. I also hope he will grow to have faith in God; to believe in the Lord of Heaven and Earth; to trust God fully. 



Aunt Kathleen's memorial

Well, yesterday was the memorial for my aunt. It was surprising nice and the sanctuary was full of people. It was nice to meet her clients that she took such care with/for their animals. One precious lady was upset that she had never told Kathleen how much her work meant to them; how much she was appreciated for her love and care of animals. 
Me and my sister in law did the music. "His eye is on the Sparrow" opened the service. This song was in my head the day after I found out that Kathleen had died, within weeks of my grandmother passing. This song generally brings comfort to me in troubling and difficult times.

 

²⁸ And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, ²⁹ yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! ³¹ Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ ³² For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
³⁴ “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:28-34, NASB

I really love the end of that set of verses where Jesus simpy states, why worry about tomorrow, today has enough trouble of its own!  That is so true in so many circumstances these verses bring wisdom and comfort.

We also shared the song "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin.  My sister in law had that song going in her head after Kathleen's passing. We harmonized when we sang it; hoping our family was comforted by the words that "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, the God of Angel armies, is always by my side." 
Such awesome comfort these words bring during such a difficult, shocking time.
May we all realize that life is short; our days are numbered - some shorter than whatever normal is. We should not hold back on sharing emotions and positive, encouraging words with those around us. You just never know if you'll get to say them or not.  Don't put off to tomorrow, what could/should be accomplished today!
Carpe Diem - Seize the Day!

Love with all your heart!  Dance like noone's watching!  Live like today's your last! 


 

brighter days ahead...

Life sure is unpredictable, and sometimes coincidental. My maternal grandmother passed 4/19, my aunt passed 5/1. 2 years ago my paternal grandmother passed 4/15 (around that date) and my aunt passed 5/3. So let me explain.... you're already in the grieving process. Starting to work through the memories and the sadness of losing a loved one and then BAM! another one passes. Your world seems to be totally off kilter. Life as you know it, seems wrong. It was such a shock! My body felt nothing, literally nothing. I had no expression or emotion for almost 2 days. Then something happened and the floodgate of grief opened and the floodgate of tears came to help wash the hurt and pain away. For me, tears help heal my mind and soul. I was so depressed, I didn't want to DO anything. I surely didn't want to sit at my pointless job, typing in pointless data. I surely didn't care that a customer needed something. Didn't everyone understand the turmoil, the broken heart, the hurt I had?  Well after about 3 days of tears and hurt and sometimes pain, the sun is shining again. My mind is alert and my body is awake and ready to face this world again. I finally woke up not depressed, wanting to move out of the bed, not wanting to bury my head under the covers and pretend the sun didn't come up again. How could that stupid sun be shining? How dare it? 
Finally feeling rested and wanting to get back to "life" as I know it - early rise to make breakfast for my honey; sit with my blanket over my lap and sip coffee while I watch the inaccurate Virginia weatherman; playfully waking my son for school. Finally the sun is shining - there are brighter days ahead. (the weatherman even said that...) 
It's so weird how life changes after you lose loved ones.
I was counting my blessings today - my wonderful husband seemed pleased with the breakfast I made; he had given my a nice mother's day ring (purple stones - my favorite color) and chocolate (chocolate-my favorite). My son was alittle sweeter last night and this morning. My step son is also a sweet boy (just wish we could see him more). I even got some quiet time to myself, even if it was watching the silly weatherman, who was especially silly today. Time to sit with a warm blanket and sip my morning coffee. Time to reflect on how blessed my life is, all that we have, all that God has done and will do. 
Definitely brighter days ahead..... thank you Lord for the promise that each day brings - a new day and hope for a brighter future.

Memory of Grandma Becky

I guess with the passing of one relative you start to flood your mind with memories.  I've recently experienced memories flooding back from my other grandma on my father's side who past about 2 years ago.
As a child, I felt she was the mean Grandma - stern, strong, almost cold.  But as an adult, especially after my grandfather passed, she softened up alittle. I remember one time seeing her smile, a really big smile, and thinking, Wow, I haven't seen that much before now. 
One memory - we were sitting around the family pool, hanging out with several family members including my grandmother. A young mom with a baby was talking (whining) about not being able to clean, or vacuum, due to the child crying when she put him into the playpen. She was telling the story of working alittle and picking him up to console him and then working alittle. This vicious cycle.
My grandmother spoke up and said you have one. I had 8!  It was rather comical, really it was. It was so direct like grandma and funny at the same time.  It did make me realize that we have such modern silly ideas sometimes of parenting. I also realized that my own "perfect" parenting quest should end and "just do it". Our grandparents didn't read parenting books, listen to parenting lectures, or ask everyone in the neighborhood what they think of parenting, they simply did their best. Perhaps even trust God to take care of their short falls; trust God with their children's faith, their children's well being. It was definitely a simplier time. Even my own childhood was much simplier than today's generation, of which I am raising one myself. oops, 2 now.
When I first came home after divorce, we went to visit my grandma. My son is very wiggly, full of energy and can't sit still for very few minutes at a time. She looked at me and said why can't he be quiet and sit there with his hands in his lap, like one of the other great grandchild had done.  Well first of all my child has personality, alot of it! and you shouldn't compare children. God made us all differently so we wouldn't get bored in the world. It didn't take long before she warmed up to my son over the years. He would walk over to her house and they would play checkers and old maid. The checker board is probably older than me. The old maid cards I remember playing with her when I was a child.  
Grandma Becky was a character. She could be funny, whimsical; but also direct, if not blunt. We loved her and admired her for the life she lived, the life she survived. 

work frustrations

Sometimes work can be so frustrating or ridiculous, you wonder how your business can be/ has been in business this long.  I have had many work experiences in different locations and the work place dynamics are very similar. No matter where I work there are nice people, professional people, and the opposite people that live to make your life miserable.  Sometimes they don't even know they are just out right mean. Even showing the love of God to them doesn't phase their wicked cruel ways. They talk about you behind your back, treat you like your stupid, talk ugly to you directly. There is no end to their meanness. I have been told many theories by people outside of my workplace that they are jealous of a younger person, intimidated by my smarts (yeah, right...), I should listen and ask questions to seek advise as to how to correct whatever is making them unhappy (not that either!), just roll with it, etc.  The just roll with it or let things roll off you like a water off a duck's back seems to be the wisest solution to work place crazy, weird, maniacal people who live to make the work place hostile. I understand the world is full of not believing people who are trying to get ahead by any means necessary; however it is NOT necessary to be mean to your co-workers. There is no reason to talk about them and give negative opinions of them that make the other workers dislike you. I really wish most of all that I didn't care at all. That would be the easiest solution to this problem. It's really about caring what people think, which I never thought I did; however this issue is proving to me that I must care even alittle that people like me. I've been told by many that I"m the nicest person they have known so I fail to understand or realize what the problem is. I am most happy to realize that God accepts us and loves us and extends grace to us no matter what.
Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.Romans 12:1-2

God gave me this verse years ago when I was in the process of renewing my faith; rebuilding my beliefs and my character. My life story is full of joys and sorrows. I feel some of the sorrows were my own doing. I did something wrong or immoral that caused those results, consequences as my dad likes to call it.  Not that I will EVER be perfect, but I am definitely a better person, a Christian full of joy and "feel" blessed most days, after years of living my life for God, trying to do the right thing. I think God blessed me with a good man to be a great influence on my son and to be a wonderful husband to me. He is a wonderful, calm man that brings joy and peace to my home and our family.

still tired

 I am constantly tired these last few weeks. I keep expecting to wake up rested and refreshed, but it hasn't happened.  I joke with people that I am "not forty"; however I"m wondering if this one more year of age is catching up with me. Life feels so busy right now. We only have one child in one sport. It feels like we are constantly running to do something. I'm glad we are able to do these things; however I am feeling exhausted since my grandmother's passing.  Maybe I just haven't recovered from those 2 weeks of going to the hospital and then the grieving process, while trying to maintain a home and family, and a full time job. I couldn't do any of this without my husband's help and support. He is absolutely wonderful.


On an "up" note: I found a new dream car.

2013 Subaru BRZ

this whole blog thing..

Some of you will know me well enough to laugh or smile when I write as if I'm talking. I have these little words I use when I can't think of the "real" word for something. I call it Reese talk. anyway.
Recently went through a death in the family and wanted a place to write memories of those past so my younger family and friends could share in the memories. I am the oldest granddaughter on both sides so I may remember things the cousins may not, simply because they weren't there yet.
I will probably not post everyday but whenever memories come through my little brain. I am a random thinker so I apologize in advance if there is no "flow" to this blog. Perhaps it will be perfected over time.  Besides memories of loved ones past, I will share mommy memories as well of the children and their funny antics. My son in particular says and does some crazy, weird, funny things. My step-son is also full of funny thoughts and things he says. By the way, they are 6 months apart and completely different from each other in many ways, so the "getting to know each other" phase has been quite amusing to watch and be a part of.

Alittle about me - even though I consider myself to be young, I think I have experienced many different things in life already. Mostly I have held many jobs and lived in several different states. Even though I'm still pretty naive sometimes, I have lots of memories and funny, weird things that have happened to share. I've been told many times that I should write a book, so here's a shot at writing. Perhaps someday someone will help me organize my random thoughts into a book. 

You certainly never know where life will take you. The past few days since my grandmother passed, I must admit that I feel like life is moving on and we have to move on with it. Even though you want to stay in the moment of flooded memories of the loved one; not wanting to let go of them and their presence in your life. It felt almost surreal (I think that's the right word) when I left the hospital and went to the store for ice cream (it has healing qualities!); everyone around me was milling about, carrying on with life as if nothing had happened. It struck me as odd. Myself being in this state of loss; yet everyone around had no idea what had just happened. It was like an epiphany; an eye opening experience; another nugget of wisdom in life; a deep secret in life that you only realize if you stop in the midst of a moment and observe what is truly fully happening around you.

speaking of real life...... I must get back to work!